Women have a funny way of invading your space; the cleaver ones are smart about it. They understand the nature of men. That some of us come with walls and most of us spook easily. This Italian girl with her orange hair, freckles on her face and birth marks on her back. The Italian girl finishing grad school and has one good right arm and a prosthetic right below her elbow on the left. This woman I’ve been sleeping with about once a week since October. Since October she’s come and gone at my beckoning, a few text messages of how’s your day going exchanged through the week but nothing too intense. If she wants to see a film we’ll go. If I’m hungry and just want to fuck we stay in. She’s so nonchalant about it all.
The thing is she’s not attractive in a traditional sense at all. If you saw her in a photo you’d give her a hard 6. But there’s something so amazingly old world feminine about her aura, the way she puts 100% into looking as sexy and beautiful as she can for me or in general. Like the first night I met her and she had her denim shirt unbuttoned just so that you could sneak a peak of her black silk bra. The sexy black old school slip she wears under dresses that she tells me holds everything in place. The way she walks around my room and apartment wearing it during the day after we’ve had sex all night. The way she’ll buy a vintage polka dot skirt and wear it in the vintage way it was meant for, old school Natalie Wood. Her moves are effortless but everything about her style is meticulous.
This is a woman with one fucking arm! Think how easy it would be for if she was your typical American girl to just say fuck it. To just let herself get fat and claim because of her disability she can’t work out, stay in shape or watch what she eats. Nobody would blame a girl with one arm showing up at a venue wearing jeans and flip flops (I’ve seen her in Jeans exactly 3 times since October). Despite it all she seems to outwork her peers. I’ve been around her with other women nearby and she’s held my attention despite other more attractive girls being in the room. There are girls with two arms and 10 fingers that leave their homes giving zero fucks. Meanwhile this Italian girl, a former ballerina puts more effort into her being to go to the grocery store than most women do on a night out with their girls.
More than all of that it’s the way she’s just genuinely happy to be out with me no matter what we’re doing. That’s how they let you know it’s real. I could take her to McDonald’s and she’d walk in there with her arm around mine like I was taking her to a five star restaurant. We’ve never had one fight or argument over anything, most importantly though the sex is good or different than with most, her body is pleasing. There’s a natural softness to it, the way the women in your father’s old Playboy’s looked from the 60’s and 70’s… like women with no agenda but to please.
It really just hit me this past weekend that I’ve been seeing this woman for this amount of time. Somehow she managed to fly under the radar and just be there. It’s kind of amazing how she did it. Never complaining about her journey across town to see me, always available and up for whatever, no arguments or any confrontation and just being as sexy as possible in my presence. I know most women couldn’t stand to be in this limbo of, “what are we” mode but like something lost she keeps showing up to be found. It’s weird or rather should I say I’m not used to women who are simply content to just be with me. It’s a different feeling being liked with no expectations, like a baby falling asleep to a mother’s lullaby.
But you’ve read this blog before; you know how this has to end. She is incredible GF potential but the truth is if I really wanted her to be mine I would have asked her already. She’s offered herself up like a last meal to a boy who’s not even hungry for her. Instead of eating you just move the food around on your plate to different positions. She’s not the one and in my mind she deserves so much more than to be a place holder girl. The girl I keep around until I find the one I really want. If that’s one thing I’ve learned from all of this is that the good girls the one who come along and aren’t anything like the others. Those are the ones you let go. You try to make sure they don’t fall in love with you, that they don’t waste their times hoping for something that won’t happen. That no matter how much they give themselves to you, you will never belong to them. Her birthday is this Saturday, then she has a friend coming in to visit from Italy and shortly after that I will leave her. But between now and then I will enjoy our remaining time together. The recent hot nights with whiskey on our breaths and her plastic prosthetic arm cool on my chest. I never asked her what happened and I never will. It still doesn’t matter, this girl found a way to shake me to the core with one arm.