What the fuck happened Nico? I knew something was up I could feel it in my bones like a disturbance in the force. I never pictured it would be this bad. In one way or another we are connected to everyone we’ve ever fucked or loved for better or worse. You get old enough and think about your mortality as fleeting. A woman you were inside of is dead and gone her life just stopped. But the worst part about it all is there are no real answers.
I’m left here holding the bag designed by regret. The way we left things, the way I broke up with you over txt message. The truth is I knew you were playing me from the start and you weren’t really 100% into us but I stayed as long as I could because in you was a type of freedom I’d never felt before. When it was good you made me feel high. Txting me all through the day, the way you had to fall asleep with Netflix running on your TV, the way your braids felt on my chest, the way you knew how to inhabit the space you were in. I can’t even fathom how many times we fucked but I do remember it felt like infinity. If I’m being honest the truth is my anger and regret stem from feeling not good enough to hold on to you.
You were a jet setter you were always a flight risk. You went to him. What did he have. Vegas? Nothing good happens in Vegas. You married him on the low? Who were your witnesses, did you wear white, was it just courthouse thing? You were a smart girl you must have known he was all wrong for you. What happened? Did you figure out he was cash rich? Did you get tired of the late nights and the parties. Were the Vegas lights too bright? Was it worth it? Did you tell him you wanted a divorce and he didn’t want to let you go? Things aren’t making sense. You made good money but he made enough to live in Vegas. What was the fight about? Did you tell him it was over? According to your mother he was the last one to see you alive then found your dead body the next day? Lifeless, were you scared? Somethings not right. If the police are preforming an autopsy, then your death wasn’t violent or obvious. Obvious in that he left a mark or bruise externally that could point to your cause of death. Did you take something at the pool party molly, coke, a mix of everything? Did you go to sleep and never wake up? Nobody should have to die alone. I google and search the internet for clues about your death, I check your mother’s go fund me page hourly for updates and reasons. I look at his Instagram account and he’s posting/posing like nothing happened. Like it’s all good. Not like a grieving husband. But he hasn’t been arrested yet so the cops either don’t think it’s him or don’t have any evidence to conclude he did it.
I just need answers and I know your family and those who loved you the most do too. Right now they’ve only raised $3,077 of the $20,000 needed. I look at the names of those who donated and shake my head. You had 812 followers on Instagram, hundreds of friends on FB… where are they now? I only met one of your friends I’ll reach out, I need answers, I need closure. I’m tired of playing detective.
I see you in my dreams often. It’s always the first time we met, when you walked towards me in that black dress and I couldn’t take my eyes off of you and you snapped, “What the hell are you looking at” to me and the only thing I could say was, “you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen”. Then I bought you a drink. I remember driving to Baltimore with you to see the Jhene Aiko concert. I remember how drunk we got at my sister’s company Christmas party. I remember when you bought me tickets and took me to Blues Alley in Georgetown. I remember working out with you and going to brunch after on a Saturday morning. I remember how your hair smelled like summer. I remember drowning in you completely and not needing air. You spoke Spanish and Russian. You helped run an orphanage for albino kids in Tanzania. You were a witch, a giver, a lover, a player. Game recognize game. You were not earthbound. You never settled not even for me. You’ve left me twice now and I never properly said goodbye both times.
In that parallel simulated universe ran by beings far more advance than us I never sent those text and you stayed with me. We figured it out, we went through our ups and downs and now we are happy. In that universe it was worth it and you are not alone.