At a family gathering for my cousin’s birthday I excused myself and went upstairs to a bathroom to make a phone call. The phone rings and I’m nervous until she pics up the phone.
Czech: Hey, there how are you
Me: tired I went out pretty hard last night and got a little too drunk and now I’m hurting pretty bad.
Czech: aww poor boy, so I guess you’re really not in the mood for going out tonight?
Me: yeah not really, I’m pretty beat just at my aunts right now but I won’t be going out tonight.
Czech: I see, I totally understand, do you want to do something else?
I took a deep breath and exhaled. The words I had rehearsed all day slowly started to form in my mouth. It was time to do what I’d called to do.
Me: Hey listen, I’ve been think long and hard about us. I’m just not feeling it and I don’t see it working out long term between us… I’m sorry.
Czech: Wow, ok I see. It sounds like you have your mind made up about it. We were just dating and getting to know each other. Did you feel like I was pressuring you for more than that, were we spending too much time together for you? Is there something I can do differently?
This is the true moment that I feared the moment when someone really likes you and wants to be in your life but they can’t and there’s really nothing they can do about it. She was kind to me, she cared about me, and everything I could ask from a woman she gave. My ending this had nothing to do with her character. If I was being honest with her it’s because I knew I could do better and if I stayed it would end in more pain than this for her. This was my chance to leave on a high note with her having fond memories of me and our time together. No finding out about my blog, no catching me cheating on her with other girls, no Irish goodbye or me just one day not calling her back.
The real reasons for me were the same as everyman with real commitment issues; as Woody Allen once quoted Groucho Marx, “I wouldn’t want to belong to a club that would have someone like me as a member”. I knew I could have her therefore I really didn’t want her anymore. Not just that but the way I could have her, all of her. The way a girl lets you know that if you really want her there in your life, she’s yours. Even though they try to play it cool, they wait for you to call them; they wait for you to initiate dates. It’s the way you can tell they’re so happy to be in your world. On the surface this is what you want, to have someone who’s completely satisfied by you and only you, to know that if you choose this person you won’t have to worry about any of it all again. But it’s never just that simple is it?
Its how things standout in your mind and repeat like a drip from a leaky faucet in the kitchen in the middle of the night that keeps you awake. Most of the reasons felt superficial and that’s where a majority of my guilt was coming from. I wasn’t much put off by her age she was only two year older than me. But for some reason I felt that she had aged badly as if her best years were behind her or she peaked at 25. Her muscle tone was softer than it could be even though she was tall and still somewhat skinny. At some points viewing her side profile you could easily see a double chin that should not have been there. On top of that there was the slightly noticeable typical Eastern European dental work. All of this could have almost been forgiven or worked with. At the end of the day what all men know they cannot stay with or sign away their freedom to is lack of sexual chemistry. After three weeks of sex I knew exactly what to expect in bed and to know this would be it should I choose to stay with her. Her nightwear was uninspiring. Common among Eastern European women was the lack of blow jobs. Lastly was her preference to stick to basic positions of missionary or her on top until we both came and then cuddled. Knowing this was what I had to look forward to, by the end sex with her stopped exciting me altogether and that’s when I knew I had to let her go.
Still I felt some type of guilt and had a sense of loss I didn’t know how to handle. It was easy to get used to having someone around that really genuinely cares for your well being. How often do we complain about how terrible DC/American women are? So when you find someone who emotionally breaks the mold it’s easy to keep them in your life longer than they should be because of it. All new relationships are clones from previous ones. I had been in this position before. I knew that the best thing to do was not drag it out longer with the Czech girl. Not grow closer to her only for it to end worse than this, to treat this like a mercy kill. Still it’s tough to find the perfect balance of the imperfections you’re willing to live with for a relationship. It’s all a learning process.
I could hear sniffling on the other end. We were supposed to hangout that night and she didn’t see this conversation coming. I told her not to cry not to worry. That we had great times together. She told me thanks for being different and wonderful from the other guys she’s dated in DC. She said even if I wasn’t ready now when I was ready to settle down and considered her I could give her a call. It felt surreal to hang up the phone. This was three weeks ago and even now we still keep in touch. Probably one of the nicest girls in DC I’ve dated in years.