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Pumpkin’ Drunkin’

Chef in Jeans October 24, 2014 Cuisine No Comments on Pumpkin’ Drunkin’

Dip me in beer, and throw me at the drunk girls. Well not me, I’m more of a whiskey on the rocks kind of guy.  There are times and places for fine drinks, then there are times for trashcan hooch and jungle juice.

We’re not far from one of those times, the ancient and sacred holiday of  Halloween, where the men are monsters, the women are slutty, and the drinks are lethal. No one wants to sip a martini and nurse a beer, no. We want our alcohol and we want it now. We want it quick, tasty, and effective.

Things You Should Have

5 gallon drink cooler, with spout

-4 20oz bottles with the labels taken off

-Something to stir with, preferably a long spoon or whisk

The Drank

Jungle juice has a suave uncle, his name is The Drank.

Its a potent concoction designed to deliver maximum alcohol, maximum flavor, and maximum smoothness. It goes down like candy, doesn’t fill you up, and packs a punch that everyone wont remember.

This recipe will be for roughly 4.5 gallon batch, perfect size for a decent party

The flavor scheme I’m going for is grape, but you can adjust it to your tastes

–The List–

-Booze, normally I make this 151 or Everclear, the idea is potency, not flavor, you want one handle (if you go with an 70 or 80 proof liquor get 2 handles) Try to stick with clearer alcohols that are minimally flavored

-Booze (again), This is chosen for flavor and additional potency, match it to the over all flavor of the drink, for this recipe use raspberry vodka, one fifth

Red Bull, Yes, you’re homebrewing Four Loko, just accept this, one of the giant Pringles-esque cans, I prefer sugar free

Unsweetened Kool-Aid, the little 5 cent packs that you have to add sugar too, they make 2 quarts so get 8 packs of grape flavor

Sweetener, you can use sugar, I like to forgo the calories and use Splenda, or better yet Stevia or Agave Nectar (for the paleo eatin’ boneheads)

Flavored Seltzer Water, I usually used La Croix, but they do sell off brands that do work well, make sure its flavored even if you have to get a flavor thats not spot on, it highly impacts the taste, get three 12-packs or roughly 3 gallons worth

Ginger Ale, whatever brand you like, 2 2-liter bottles, I prefer diet

–Do Work Son!–

1) Start the day before the party. Fill those empty 20oz bottles about 4/5 the way up with water then park them in the freezer, get everything else in the fridge to cool down over night.

2) Get your cooler, dump in all the booze, the Red Bull, the Kool-Aid packs, and about 4 cups of sweetener.

3) Stir that shit son.

4) Once fully dissolved slowly pour in the ginger ale and 24 cans of seltzer water, try to splash it as little as possible to preserve carbonation (make sure to put in the ginger ale first so that you fit all of it in)

5) Give it a good stir and taste

6) Adjust the sweetness to your liking, but dont make it to sweet or it’ll sit in the stomach funny and weigh you down, you want just enough to make it palatable

7) Toss in your ice bombs about thirty minutes before the drunken festivities begin

8) Just before the party starts top up the cooler with the left over soda water, give it a GENTLE stir and your ready to go

Protip: Put this in a kitchen or bathroom, somewhere with a tile floor, the spouts on these kinds of jugs WILL drip and fuck up your carpet

Protip: This goes down like candy and will fuck every vagina on the premises up, if she’s to gone, be gone

Protip: As the night goes on this is a great way to dispose of the bottle of shitty Aristocrat vodka your cheap friend brought, just dump it in and then top up the barrel with the left over soda water

Protip: The flavored seltzer water is the secret ingredient, it adds volume, fizz and flavor with zero calorie and no heaviness in the stomach, the other ingredients can be switched out, but keep the flavored seltzer as the main component and your Drank will always be awesome.

The Drank is not to be taken lightly, it is a force nature and should be treated with respect. If you have a girlfriend warn her, twice, about The Drank. It will fuck her up royally.

If you’re in a college environment I suggest buying 2 colors of cups, one for Drank and one for beer because girls WILL want to play beer pong with this stuff and it tastes shite when mixed with beer (and vice versa)

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About The Author

Ripping the frills and flowers out of learning to cook and putting it into terms that men understand.

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