A while back I asked for suggestions or requests for recipe ideas and Johnny Milfquest (RIP) made a simple, yet interesting request. Brownies. Now simply making brownies is not only easy, its not very manly. Sugary chocolate squares are enjoyable, but hardly do they embody what it means to be a MAN.
As modern men we indulge, but we do so with purpose. We allow ourselves some slippage, but only while having it retain at least some positive qualities. Young women pointlessly over indulge. They eat, spend, and laze in excess. This behaviour is the cancer that is eating away the quality of the Western female. I will not let it destroy our male population!
So Johnny wants brownies. Johnny will get brownies, but they will be as manly as guns, motor oil, and doggy style.
Making something like brownies more manly was a bit of a challenge. Its hard to think of things that define men AND apply to sweet baked goods. The conclusion I came to was to make them not only good, but healthy, well, healthier.
To this end I worked a recipe that is not only low in carbohydrates and sugar, but high in protein. Oh, and there’s bacon.
- One stick of butter
- Half a cup of baking Splenda
- 4 eggs
- Half a cup of cocoa powder
- 1 tsp of baking powder
- A large pinch of salt
- 2 cups of flax seed flour/meal
- 3 scoops of Body Fortress vanilla protein powder (or your preferred brand of ready-to-use protein)
- 1 cup of plain vanilla Dannon Lite and Fit yogurt
- 1/2 cup of walnuts
- Half a pound of bacon
- 3 tbsp of granulated or brown sugar
**Disclaimer: There are a few brand specific items in this recipe, if you can’t find them get something similar. I cant guarantee results if you change the recipe, though I do understand you might not be able to get these exact items.
- Start by turning your oven to 425F and pull the butter out of your fridge and let it sit on the counter. You want it to warm up a bit so its soft
- Fold over a large piece of aluminum foil (not listed) about 5 times so its sturdy and lay the bacon out on it. lightly coat each piece with the sugar, make sure to cover both sides
- Let the oven continue to heat up, or if you already did wait about five minutes then put the bacon in. You’ll want to cook it till it gets very dark golden brown, on the cusp of burnt, but not quite. If done properly you just candied the bacon, you’re now one step closer to enlightenment.
- Place the candied bacon in the freezer to cool down
- Place half of the butter in your mixing bowl, or the bowl of your stand mixer, and beat it like you’re Chris Brown. After about one minute the color will begin to lighten and it’ll look a bit like cake frosting
- Add in the Splenda and turn the mixer on LOW and slowly work the speed back up to the max setting. Once at the max setting let it whip for another thirty seconds
- Add in the eggs, one at a time, make sure each egg is pretty much incorporated before adding in another egg. If you try to rush it you’ll end up taking longer
- Add in the cocoa powder and salt and mix the batter on LOW just until the cocoa is incorporated
- Dump in the flax seed flour, protein powder, and baking powder. Mix on LOW until its incorporated
- Add in the yogurt and the walnuts
- Get your cooled candied bacon and chop it up into little pieces and add it into the batter
- Use your hand or a spatula (not listed) to dig all the way down into the bottom of the bowl so you can make sure everything is completely mixed.
- Turn the oven down to 350F and use the rest of the butter to grease the baking dish, liberally. Every. Square. Inch. All of it. Did I mention liberally? Once greased dump a couple tablespoons of cocoa powder into the dish and turn it all around so that the powder covers the inside completely
- Pour the batter into the pan, give it a shake to even it out, if its still kind of lopsided lift the pan an inch off the counter and drop it, the impact should even the top out, do this a few times if needed
- Bake for 35 minutes then check by inserting a toothpick, knife, or fork. If it comes out dry (not clean, but DRY) its ready, if not check it every ten minutes or so
- Once finished pull the pan out of the oven and let it cool for at least thirty minutes, an hour would be better.
- Make sure to transfer them out of the pan as soon as possible and onto a plate or into an airtight container and in the fridge.
I cut my pan into 8 manly sized pieces. The flavor will be a little less sweet then you’re used too, and the flax seed flour gives it a slightly different taste, almost nutty. These wont taste as decadent as your grandmas brownies, but remember that these are not only low carb and low sugar, but high in protein and fiber. They’re almost good for you, and for a dessert or a sweet snack they’re definitely better then damn near anything else you’re liable to shove in your mouth.
Take you’re newly created Man Brownies and enjoy. I’m gonna mac one of these bad boys every day after the gym for a nice protein and carb boost after my workout.
Dont let anyone ever tell you knowing how to cook doesn’t make you manly.
I dont normally do this, but since the purpose of this recipe is that they’re not only good, but good for you, I figured I’d put my money where my mouth was and do a nutritional breakdown.
**Note: There is no science behind this, I only added up the information on the packaging of all the ingredients, not 100% accurate, but pretty close
This is if you cut the pan into eight pieces
The Whole Pan
Total Calories: 3074
Total Fat: 222g
Total Carbs: 145g
-Total Sugar: 91g
Total Protein: 176g
Divide the numbers by how many pieces you cut your batch into and you’re good to go